I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
