Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
