dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
