Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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