So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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