there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
please don't ironically join a cult
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