I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
