So drunk its hurt
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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