here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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