I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
