I think I won the penis lottery.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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