ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
