I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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