I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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