i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
