if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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