Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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