I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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