guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk is not a location!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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