I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
