singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
