I think I won the penis lottery.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So many bounce houses so little time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
