I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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