i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
