When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
