When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
