I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
