Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
