It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
