I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
