Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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