When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
