If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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