She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
