Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
