i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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