please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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