Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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