Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's blow job season.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
