who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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