I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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