Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
