This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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