I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
