let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
