The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
