what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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