he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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