I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
