My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
