When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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